I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
