and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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