I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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