im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
