never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
