the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
