I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize