Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
