2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
