I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize