thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
