Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
