I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
