I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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