Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize