I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Semen is not good for contacts.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
