At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
