Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
