you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
