Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
