as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
