i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
