I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize