dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
