How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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