Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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