I met the friendliest cop last night
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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