dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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