It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
