if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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