If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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