Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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