Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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