i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
