Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
