When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize