I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
