Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Found the puke drawer
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My vagina is very pro this idea
A bitchslap is in order.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
