I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
