It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Boobs speak an international language.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
