Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
