just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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