im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
