When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
