You really coming over, don't trick.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
