My sheets look like a crime scene.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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