it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
