You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
