Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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