Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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