strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
