This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
