tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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