and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
