The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
