the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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