thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
