If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
