Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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