My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I have aggressive nipples.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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