It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
