So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
