watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
