No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
