Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
