genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I didn't notice because vodka
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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